Archive for sci-fi

Alien Resurrection (1997)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 9, 2011 by filmplanetasylum
Alien Resurrection

Who do I have to fuck to get off this boat?

Alien Resurrection is a profound example of strained, nasally congested “good-enough”. They say the best movies always look as though they came together all by themselves. Effortless, and magical. Well, Alien Resurrection looks as though it was very carefully crafted from a set of logarithmic parameters, input into a Movie Calculator, and the results processed by an army of technicians, craftsmen, artists, a French director, and H.R. Giger‘s forgotten royalty checks. In short, it looks deliberate; full of effort, not magical. A formula. A formality. A filmmaking exercise in “good-enough”.

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Predator 2 (1990)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 4, 2010 by filmplanetasylum
Predator Two poster

Just watch a documentary about Lions instead.

Wow Predator 2. Just wow. Who convinced you to jump off the plank into the shallow end of the pool? Smacking your face against the concrete. Directed by Stephen Hopkins, (the same studio hack who made the intergalactic cheesecake Lost In Space), the sequel to the original 1987 sci-fi action classic can best be described as bullet porn. Sure, I suppose you could call the original that as well, but I think it fits more with this one, simply because, instead of focusing on a cool story with awesome effects and crazy alien monsters, the focus here is on the bullets, and their only purpose is to sexually arouse as many lunatic gun nuts as humanly possible while they mercilessly rip holes through the flesh of the living. Teg Nugent personally supplied all the guns and ammo for this production [citation needed].

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Metropolis (1927)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 28, 2010 by filmplanetasylum
metropolis poster

This image is really tall!

Metropolis is a funny film about funny people doing funny things. Such as, fly Bi-Planes. Create machine hookers. And move obnoxiously large clock hands into various positions to keep the water pressure from exploding nasty water vapor that can cause 3rd degree burns or instant death. Unless you are a robot. Essentially, it mirrors the modern world exactly! What a coincidence. Fritz Lang is a time traveler. Or a witch. Either way, there are only two options: Burn his corpse at the stake, you know, just for the principal of the matter. Or, get drunk and run around naked, stark raving mad, for no good reason, and sit down to watch Metropolis. Drunk. and Naked. Okay, skip the naked part. Let’s just watch Metropolis drunk and theorize on the nature of the time travel device/pagan black magic involved.

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