Archive for porn

Léolo (1992)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 17, 2011 by filmplanetasylum
Leolo title.

You have no idea what you're getting into.

Léolo is a stinking gutter fuck of a good time. The worst that Internet porn has to offer, packaged in a neatly wrapped art house bow tie that actually predates the Internet, but predicts the burlesque grotesque-ity like a fortune teller dropping a massive deuce. Filled with semen, feces, bestiality, incest, fetishism, masturbation and girly men. It’s all here, and slut bag director Jean-Claude Lauzon is absolutely DGAF about it all. This film is incoherently blasé about good taste, but maybe that is it’s charm. Who is the judge of good taste anyway? Well, like all great art, it stirred an emotional response from me. The same emotional response one would get when you are offered money to have sex with a house cat in heat.

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Baby Face (1933)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , on January 11, 2011 by filmplanetasylum
Baby Face Screen

Theres some snazzy music playing in the background here!

Baby Face was a controversial film about a superbitch who ruins men’s lives with sex and discovers that she too, can be ruined by the sex of men. Or rather, the sex of jewelry, gems, and Benjamin’s. Barbara Stanwyck looks gorgeous in her role of Lily Powers, the poster child for 1930’s feminism, and future grandmother of Max Power. Real men dig feminists. I read it in a book once. After being raised to be a prostitute by her scumbag father in their family owned speakeasy during the Great Depression, Friedrich Nietzsche, in a surprise cameo appearance, tells her to go use and destroy the lives of filthy, dirty stupid men to get what she wants. A fun film for all ages that you can show to your 5 year old daughter!

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The Social Network (2010)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 13, 2010 by filmplanetasylum
The Social Network film poster

The next most popular image to photoshop.

The Social Network fills me with awe. It highlights some of the worst qualities of our generation and paints a pathetic portrait of just how morally bankrupt and disconnected we’ve all become, ironically enough because of how connected we’ve truly become. This film is a warning. It does not glamorize the assholes who made Facebook, but instead tells us to take a step back, to look at how socially isolated we’ve gotten and to take immediate action to reverse the problem. In effect, this movie tells you to delete Facebook, lest you become a supporter of the new fascist digital democracy.

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Alice In Wonderland (2010)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 9, 2010 by filmplanetasylum
Alice In Wonderland main title

Fade to crap.

What do you get when you cross dispassionate with uninterested? The same exact thing. Now, Alice In Wonderland, directed by freak bitch Tim Burton, is just that. No, it’s not the same film as other attempts at the source material, no, it is the same in the sense that they are all uninterested dreck. I suppose the Disney animated version comes closest to being something good, though I wouldn’t know because I haven’t seen it in probably a decade and a quarter and I don’t particularly care to visit it again. Alas, Tim Burton’s bore-porn succeeds in cementing the Alice series as the one franchise which utterly fails in every single attempt to adapt it for a visual medium. The books just do not make for good movies, and several other people who are smarter than me have already explained why, so I won’t go into that.

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Predator 2 (1990)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 4, 2010 by filmplanetasylum
Predator Two poster

Just watch a documentary about Lions instead.

Wow Predator 2. Just wow. Who convinced you to jump off the plank into the shallow end of the pool? Smacking your face against the concrete. Directed by Stephen Hopkins, (the same studio hack who made the intergalactic cheesecake Lost In Space), the sequel to the original 1987 sci-fi action classic can best be described as bullet porn. Sure, I suppose you could call the original that as well, but I think it fits more with this one, simply because, instead of focusing on a cool story with awesome effects and crazy alien monsters, the focus here is on the bullets, and their only purpose is to sexually arouse as many lunatic gun nuts as humanly possible while they mercilessly rip holes through the flesh of the living. Teg Nugent personally supplied all the guns and ammo for this production [citation needed].

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Closely Watched Trains (1966)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , on October 14, 2010 by filmplanetasylum

 

closely watched trains title card

The sexiest train station you'll ever visit.

 

Closely Watched Trains was major OMGWTFLOL. In other words, sheer brilliance many orders of magnitude greater than the idiocy of my choice of net speak, but I digress. This is a film almost nobody has heard of, but any self respecting film buff owes it to their genitals to witness this sexually charged Word War 2 drama that speaks to the inner virgins of us all. Prepare to be aroused.

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Harold and Maude (1971)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 7, 2010 by filmplanetasylum

 

Harold and Maude cover art

Pornstars dig it.

 

Harold and Maude is one of the greatest films ever made on the subject of sex with corpses. This 70’s comedy, directed by Hal Ashby, is a delightful, annoying, and disturbing romp through the backstreets of death metal lyrical sensibilities.

Our main character, Harold Chasen, played by the ugly motherfucker Bud Cort, is obsessed with death. He frequently commits suicide in front of his rich mother in a variety of comical ways. How he continually rises from the dead is something I haven’t figured out, but I’m going to go with the hypothesis that he is Harry Houdini’s reincarnated penis.

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