Baby Face (1933)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , on January 11, 2011 by filmplanetasylum
Baby Face Screen

Theres some snazzy music playing in the background here!

Baby Face was a controversial film about a superbitch who ruins men’s lives with sex and discovers that she too, can be ruined by the sex of men. Or rather, the sex of jewelry, gems, and Benjamin’s. Barbara Stanwyck looks gorgeous in her role of Lily Powers, the poster child for 1930’s feminism, and future grandmother of Max Power. Real men dig feminists. I read it in a book once. After being raised to be a prostitute by her scumbag father in their family owned speakeasy during the Great Depression, Friedrich Nietzsche, in a surprise cameo appearance, tells her to go use and destroy the lives of filthy, dirty stupid men to get what she wants. A fun film for all ages that you can show to your 5 year old daughter!

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The Social Network (2010)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 13, 2010 by filmplanetasylum
The Social Network film poster

The next most popular image to photoshop.

The Social Network fills me with awe. It highlights some of the worst qualities of our generation and paints a pathetic portrait of just how morally bankrupt and disconnected we’ve all become, ironically enough because of how connected we’ve truly become. This film is a warning. It does not glamorize the assholes who made Facebook, but instead tells us to take a step back, to look at how socially isolated we’ve gotten and to take immediate action to reverse the problem. In effect, this movie tells you to delete Facebook, lest you become a supporter of the new fascist digital democracy.

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Alice In Wonderland (2010)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 9, 2010 by filmplanetasylum
Alice In Wonderland main title

Fade to crap.

What do you get when you cross dispassionate with uninterested? The same exact thing. Now, Alice In Wonderland, directed by freak bitch Tim Burton, is just that. No, it’s not the same film as other attempts at the source material, no, it is the same in the sense that they are all uninterested dreck. I suppose the Disney animated version comes closest to being something good, though I wouldn’t know because I haven’t seen it in probably a decade and a quarter and I don’t particularly care to visit it again. Alas, Tim Burton’s bore-porn succeeds in cementing the Alice series as the one franchise which utterly fails in every single attempt to adapt it for a visual medium. The books just do not make for good movies, and several other people who are smarter than me have already explained why, so I won’t go into that.

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Predator 2 (1990)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 4, 2010 by filmplanetasylum
Predator Two poster

Just watch a documentary about Lions instead.

Wow Predator 2. Just wow. Who convinced you to jump off the plank into the shallow end of the pool? Smacking your face against the concrete. Directed by Stephen Hopkins, (the same studio hack who made the intergalactic cheesecake Lost In Space), the sequel to the original 1987 sci-fi action classic can best be described as bullet porn. Sure, I suppose you could call the original that as well, but I think it fits more with this one, simply because, instead of focusing on a cool story with awesome effects and crazy alien monsters, the focus here is on the bullets, and their only purpose is to sexually arouse as many lunatic gun nuts as humanly possible while they mercilessly rip holes through the flesh of the living. Teg Nugent personally supplied all the guns and ammo for this production [citation needed].

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Cloverfield (2008)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 29, 2010 by filmplanetasylum
Cloverfield poster

America, Fuck yeah!

What the hell is up with Cloverfield? What kind of shlock is this? I’ll tell you what it is. It’s Godzilla‘s urinary tract infection that slithered it’s way out of the ocean, and it’s ravaging New York City. Is that a bad thing? Absolutely not. Call it a guilty pleasure if you will, or please don’t, because I don’t feel guilty, but I love Cloverfield. It’s exactly what I look for in a movie: exploding bitches, exploding public places, and film making techniques that make make people vomit . Why do people get motion sickness watching this? Same reason some people can’t go on the big scary roller coasters I suppose. Sucks to be them. But seriously, Cloverfield rocks my world, and it should rock your world too.

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Metropolis (1927)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 28, 2010 by filmplanetasylum
metropolis poster

This image is really tall!

Metropolis is a funny film about funny people doing funny things. Such as, fly Bi-Planes. Create machine hookers. And move obnoxiously large clock hands into various positions to keep the water pressure from exploding nasty water vapor that can cause 3rd degree burns or instant death. Unless you are a robot. Essentially, it mirrors the modern world exactly! What a coincidence. Fritz Lang is a time traveler. Or a witch. Either way, there are only two options: Burn his corpse at the stake, you know, just for the principal of the matter. Or, get drunk and run around naked, stark raving mad, for no good reason, and sit down to watch Metropolis. Drunk. and Naked. Okay, skip the naked part. Let’s just watch Metropolis drunk and theorize on the nature of the time travel device/pagan black magic involved.

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Brazil (1985)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 14, 2010 by filmplanetasylum
Brazil

Behold the fascist country's true colors.

What more can be said about Brazil that hasn’t already been said? Not a lot, which makes this review pointless, but I do not need a point to ramble on about movies, merely the passion of film to guide me and the self serving desire to give my resume slightly more weight. At least my review will be better than the Nostalgia Critic’s. OH SNAP. I went there. I hope now that he will contact me and offer me a spot in his next video, doing some poorly scripted fight scene where we pretend to hate each other.

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