Archive for the Movie Reviews Category

Our Hospitality (1923)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , on October 7, 2010 by filmplanetasylum

 

Our Hospitality title screen

Now THAT is classy.

 

Our Hospitality is hilarious. Buster Keaton was a genius of silent film comedy. This is more amusing than bullshit like Old Dogs. Now, I’ve never seen Old Dogs, but I guarantee on the lives of several of my unborn children, that I am correct. This is the oldest movie I have ever reviewed, older than Sunrise by a solid 4 years! Now that is old, and this is a whole different ballgame.

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Harold and Maude (1971)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 7, 2010 by filmplanetasylum

 

Harold and Maude cover art

Pornstars dig it.

 

Harold and Maude is one of the greatest films ever made on the subject of sex with corpses. This 70’s comedy, directed by Hal Ashby, is a delightful, annoying, and disturbing romp through the backstreets of death metal lyrical sensibilities.

Our main character, Harold Chasen, played by the ugly motherfucker Bud Cort, is obsessed with death. He frequently commits suicide in front of his rich mother in a variety of comical ways. How he continually rises from the dead is something I haven’t figured out, but I’m going to go with the hypothesis that he is Harry Houdini’s reincarnated penis.

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Detour (1945)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 6, 2010 by filmplanetasylum

Detour main title.

That’s life, whichever way you turn, fate sticks out a foot to trip you.

Detour, directed by some guy named Edgar Ulmer, is a low budget Film Noir full of sin and grit. It runs short, only an hour and seven minutes, but my god was I surprised at the meatiness of this. This is film noir to the maximum. Like Max Power maximum. Like Homer Simpson is Max Power maximum. At least that’s what a lot of other film critics say. So like a good lap dog I will believe them. Ah hell, I can see it for myself.

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Sunrise (1927)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , on September 30, 2010 by filmplanetasylum

 

Sunrise A song of two humans

Shit is OLD.

 

Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans, directed by the original gangsta F.W. Murnau, is a silent film about some country shmuck who cheats on his wife with a bitch city girl. You can tell she is a bitch city girl because she is dressed in shiny velvety leather and she smokes cigarettes. Bitches like to smoke, I can tell you that from experience. Many people would find this kind of film boring and dumb, but I find it fascinating as a history lesson. This kind of shit was James Cameron’s Titanic back in 1927.

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Jack (1996)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , on September 23, 2010 by filmplanetasylum

 

Robin Williams as Jack

What a creeper.

 

Jack: Ass. No, not Jackass. I am implying that the movie, Jack, starring Robin Williams, is ass. Where shall I begin? Wait, I’ve already begun. Everybody in this movie is an asshole. Mrs. Doubtfire plays the role of a literal man child, a 10 year old kid with a genetic dysfunction that causes him to have super rapid cell growth, and thus, although he is 10 years old on the inside, on the outside he bares the body of a hairy 40 year old man. In effect, Robin Williams is playing himself.

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Jurassic Park 3 (2001)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , on September 23, 2010 by filmplanetasylum

 

Jurassic Park 3 logo

Pathetic.

 

Jurassic Park 3 is like if the word boring were a dinosaur. An anti-clever piece of wasted film stock un-carefully crafted to rip off all of the material from the previous two movies and stuck together with duct tape. An example of a thing it ripped off: little kids. I hate little kids in movies. Little kids who routinely survive dangerous and deadly environments that easily kill grown men with years of experience and training. This happened in the first Jurassic Park. I liked it much better when it was done first in a much better movie.

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