Archive for the Movie Reviews Category

Metropolis (1927)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 28, 2010 by filmplanetasylum
metropolis poster

This image is really tall!

Metropolis is a funny film about funny people doing funny things. Such as, fly Bi-Planes. Create machine hookers. And move obnoxiously large clock hands into various positions to keep the water pressure from exploding nasty water vapor that can cause 3rd degree burns or instant death. Unless you are a robot. Essentially, it mirrors the modern world exactly! What a coincidence. Fritz Lang is a time traveler. Or a witch. Either way, there are only two options: Burn his corpse at the stake, you know, just for the principal of the matter. Or, get drunk and run around naked, stark raving mad, for no good reason, and sit down to watch Metropolis. Drunk. and Naked. Okay, skip the naked part. Let’s just watch Metropolis drunk and theorize on the nature of the time travel device/pagan black magic involved.

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Brazil (1985)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 14, 2010 by filmplanetasylum
Brazil

Behold the fascist country's true colors.

What more can be said about Brazil that hasn’t already been said? Not a lot, which makes this review pointless, but I do not need a point to ramble on about movies, merely the passion of film to guide me and the self serving desire to give my resume slightly more weight. At least my review will be better than the Nostalgia Critic’s. OH SNAP. I went there. I hope now that he will contact me and offer me a spot in his next video, doing some poorly scripted fight scene where we pretend to hate each other.

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Closely Watched Trains (1966)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , on October 14, 2010 by filmplanetasylum

 

closely watched trains title card

The sexiest train station you'll ever visit.

 

Closely Watched Trains was major OMGWTFLOL. In other words, sheer brilliance many orders of magnitude greater than the idiocy of my choice of net speak, but I digress. This is a film almost nobody has heard of, but any self respecting film buff owes it to their genitals to witness this sexually charged Word War 2 drama that speaks to the inner virgins of us all. Prepare to be aroused.

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Sherlock, Jr. (1924)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , on October 8, 2010 by filmplanetasylum
Sherlock Jr poster art

This is fucking EPIC.

There are too many good things to say about Sherlock, Jr. This is the second Buster Keaton feature I’m reviewing. Perhaps I am getting self indulgent? Pish posh! Nonsense! I revel in mindless self indulgence, there can never be enough Buster Keaton, and this is perhaps his greatest work yet! Witness the true master of silent self indulgence, the pimp master suave motherfucka side splitting heart attack inducing laugh attack mastermind.

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Our Hospitality (1923)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , on October 7, 2010 by filmplanetasylum

 

Our Hospitality title screen

Now THAT is classy.

 

Our Hospitality is hilarious. Buster Keaton was a genius of silent film comedy. This is more amusing than bullshit like Old Dogs. Now, I’ve never seen Old Dogs, but I guarantee on the lives of several of my unborn children, that I am correct. This is the oldest movie I have ever reviewed, older than Sunrise by a solid 4 years! Now that is old, and this is a whole different ballgame.

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Harold and Maude (1971)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 7, 2010 by filmplanetasylum

 

Harold and Maude cover art

Pornstars dig it.

 

Harold and Maude is one of the greatest films ever made on the subject of sex with corpses. This 70’s comedy, directed by Hal Ashby, is a delightful, annoying, and disturbing romp through the backstreets of death metal lyrical sensibilities.

Our main character, Harold Chasen, played by the ugly motherfucker Bud Cort, is obsessed with death. He frequently commits suicide in front of his rich mother in a variety of comical ways. How he continually rises from the dead is something I haven’t figured out, but I’m going to go with the hypothesis that he is Harry Houdini’s reincarnated penis.

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Detour (1945)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 6, 2010 by filmplanetasylum

Detour main title.

That’s life, whichever way you turn, fate sticks out a foot to trip you.

Detour, directed by some guy named Edgar Ulmer, is a low budget Film Noir full of sin and grit. It runs short, only an hour and seven minutes, but my god was I surprised at the meatiness of this. This is film noir to the maximum. Like Max Power maximum. Like Homer Simpson is Max Power maximum. At least that’s what a lot of other film critics say. So like a good lap dog I will believe them. Ah hell, I can see it for myself.

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Sunrise (1927)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , on September 30, 2010 by filmplanetasylum

 

Sunrise A song of two humans

Shit is OLD.

 

Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans, directed by the original gangsta F.W. Murnau, is a silent film about some country shmuck who cheats on his wife with a bitch city girl. You can tell she is a bitch city girl because she is dressed in shiny velvety leather and she smokes cigarettes. Bitches like to smoke, I can tell you that from experience. Many people would find this kind of film boring and dumb, but I find it fascinating as a history lesson. This kind of shit was James Cameron’s Titanic back in 1927.

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Jack (1996)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , on September 23, 2010 by filmplanetasylum

 

Robin Williams as Jack

What a creeper.

 

Jack: Ass. No, not Jackass. I am implying that the movie, Jack, starring Robin Williams, is ass. Where shall I begin? Wait, I’ve already begun. Everybody in this movie is an asshole. Mrs. Doubtfire plays the role of a literal man child, a 10 year old kid with a genetic dysfunction that causes him to have super rapid cell growth, and thus, although he is 10 years old on the inside, on the outside he bares the body of a hairy 40 year old man. In effect, Robin Williams is playing himself.

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Jurassic Park 3 (2001)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , on September 23, 2010 by filmplanetasylum

 

Jurassic Park 3 logo

Pathetic.

 

Jurassic Park 3 is like if the word boring were a dinosaur. An anti-clever piece of wasted film stock un-carefully crafted to rip off all of the material from the previous two movies and stuck together with duct tape. An example of a thing it ripped off: little kids. I hate little kids in movies. Little kids who routinely survive dangerous and deadly environments that easily kill grown men with years of experience and training. This happened in the first Jurassic Park. I liked it much better when it was done first in a much better movie.

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