Archive for the Movie Reviews Category

Alice In Wonderland (2010)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 9, 2010 by filmplanetasylum
Alice In Wonderland main title

Fade to crap.

What do you get when you cross dispassionate with uninterested? The same exact thing. Now, Alice In Wonderland, directed by freak bitch Tim Burton, is just that. No, it’s not the same film as other attempts at the source material, no, it is the same in the sense that they are all uninterested dreck. I suppose the Disney animated version comes closest to being something good, though I wouldn’t know because I haven’t seen it in probably a decade and a quarter and I don’t particularly care to visit it again. Alas, Tim Burton’s bore-porn succeeds in cementing the Alice series as the one franchise which utterly fails in every single attempt to adapt it for a visual medium. The books just do not make for good movies, and several other people who are smarter than me have already explained why, so I won’t go into that.

Continue reading

Advertisements

Predator 2 (1990)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 4, 2010 by filmplanetasylum
Predator Two poster

Just watch a documentary about Lions instead.

Wow Predator 2. Just wow. Who convinced you to jump off the plank into the shallow end of the pool? Smacking your face against the concrete. Directed by Stephen Hopkins, (the same studio hack who made the intergalactic cheesecake Lost In Space), the sequel to the original 1987 sci-fi action classic can best be described as bullet porn. Sure, I suppose you could call the original that as well, but I think it fits more with this one, simply because, instead of focusing on a cool story with awesome effects and crazy alien monsters, the focus here is on the bullets, and their only purpose is to sexually arouse as many lunatic gun nuts as humanly possible while they mercilessly rip holes through the flesh of the living. Teg Nugent personally supplied all the guns and ammo for this production [citation needed].

Continue reading

Cloverfield (2008)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 29, 2010 by filmplanetasylum
Cloverfield poster

America, Fuck yeah!

What the hell is up with Cloverfield? What kind of shlock is this? I’ll tell you what it is. It’s Godzilla‘s urinary tract infection that slithered it’s way out of the ocean, and it’s ravaging New York City. Is that a bad thing? Absolutely not. Call it a guilty pleasure if you will, or please don’t, because I don’t feel guilty, but I love Cloverfield. It’s exactly what I look for in a movie: exploding bitches, exploding public places, and film making techniques that make make people vomit . Why do people get motion sickness watching this? Same reason some people can’t go on the big scary roller coasters I suppose. Sucks to be them. But seriously, Cloverfield rocks my world, and it should rock your world too.

Continue reading

Metropolis (1927)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 28, 2010 by filmplanetasylum
metropolis poster

This image is really tall!

Metropolis is a funny film about funny people doing funny things. Such as, fly Bi-Planes. Create machine hookers. And move obnoxiously large clock hands into various positions to keep the water pressure from exploding nasty water vapor that can cause 3rd degree burns or instant death. Unless you are a robot. Essentially, it mirrors the modern world exactly! What a coincidence. Fritz Lang is a time traveler. Or a witch. Either way, there are only two options: Burn his corpse at the stake, you know, just for the principal of the matter. Or, get drunk and run around naked, stark raving mad, for no good reason, and sit down to watch Metropolis. Drunk. and Naked. Okay, skip the naked part. Let’s just watch Metropolis drunk and theorize on the nature of the time travel device/pagan black magic involved.

Continue reading

Brazil (1985)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 14, 2010 by filmplanetasylum
Brazil

Behold the fascist country's true colors.

What more can be said about Brazil that hasn’t already been said? Not a lot, which makes this review pointless, but I do not need a point to ramble on about movies, merely the passion of film to guide me and the self serving desire to give my resume slightly more weight. At least my review will be better than the Nostalgia Critic’s. OH SNAP. I went there. I hope now that he will contact me and offer me a spot in his next video, doing some poorly scripted fight scene where we pretend to hate each other.

Continue reading

Closely Watched Trains (1966)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , on October 14, 2010 by filmplanetasylum

 

closely watched trains title card

The sexiest train station you'll ever visit.

 

Closely Watched Trains was major OMGWTFLOL. In other words, sheer brilliance many orders of magnitude greater than the idiocy of my choice of net speak, but I digress. This is a film almost nobody has heard of, but any self respecting film buff owes it to their genitals to witness this sexually charged Word War 2 drama that speaks to the inner virgins of us all. Prepare to be aroused.

Continue reading

Sherlock, Jr. (1924)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , on October 8, 2010 by filmplanetasylum
Sherlock Jr poster art

This is fucking EPIC.

There are too many good things to say about Sherlock, Jr. This is the second Buster Keaton feature I’m reviewing. Perhaps I am getting self indulgent? Pish posh! Nonsense! I revel in mindless self indulgence, there can never be enough Buster Keaton, and this is perhaps his greatest work yet! Witness the true master of silent self indulgence, the pimp master suave motherfucka side splitting heart attack inducing laugh attack mastermind.

Continue reading