Archive for the Movie Reviews Category

R. Lee Ermy would eat Mel Gibson’s face

Posted in Film Essays, Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 1, 2013 by filmplanetasylum
R-Lee-Ermy Minigun

Pictured: R. Lee is about to open up a can of whup ass on anti-semitic Australians playing American characters.

War is hell, and it’s never more fun to watch than through the safety and comfort of the silver screen. Hollywood’s love affair with the war film is well known amongst both cinephiles and casual moviegoers alike. It’s no secret to historians that the victor in war is the one who writes the history, and it is difficult to argue that America is top dog in the business of winning wars. What is interesting is how American war films choose to portray its prolific history of armed conflict. More often than not, the typical American war film portrays its military in the most positive light it can manage, or the studio risks losing all cooperation from the real military itself in providing fighter jets, rifles, aircraft carriers, servicemen and equipment to the production in the hopes of not only saving money and conveying realism, but more importantly winning the approval of the most powerful and advanced armed forces the world has ever known. On the other hand, this has not stopped a handful of maverick filmmakers from exposing the painful truth of many American wars; that despite all the good the United States believes it does, reality is not so black and white, and occasionally history looks at us* as the bad guys; the aggressors, the tyrants, the invaders, the Great Satan.

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There are no goddamn Abraham Lincoln movies

Posted in Film Essays, Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 21, 2013 by filmplanetasylum
abe lincoln vampire hunter

Except for this one.

Abraham Lincoln is arguably the most popular, beloved, hated, and talked about president in American history; yet for some unknown reason there are astonishingly few feature films that center exclusively around the 16th president of the United States (not including documentaries).  In the typical civil war film, he is only seen for a brief moment or barely mentioned in passing, if at all. In fact the disparity is even greater with George Washington. When’s the last time anybody made a movie about the founding father(s)? The only hypothesis is that filmmakers just don’t like making movies about dead presidents. The majority of filmed entertainment featuring a portrayal of Abraham Lincoln is either television shows or a few cheaply produced made for TV movies. Half of the time it’s in the form of a comedy skit where Abe Lincoln fraternizing with Bill and Ted on their excellent adventure is the entire punch line.

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The Fastest gun in the South

Posted in Film Essays, Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 18, 2013 by filmplanetasylum
Django Unchained Red and Black

There are no words.

In the pantheon of legendary Westerns, few films subvert our expectations and push the envelope as far as Django Unchained (Quentin Tarantino, 2012). Compared to the classical westerns of say, John Ford [Stagecoach (1939) or The Searchers (1956)], or  spaghetti westerns like Once Upon a Time in The West (Sergio Leone, 1968), Django Unchained is like, one hundred trillion times better because it’s not as boring as those old movies. Nah I’m kidding, those old movies are good too, but the purpose of this essay is to talk about how Django is in another ballpark entirely. It’s really something new and exciting. To put it succinctly, it represents the pinnacle of post modern revisionist Westerns. For those not in the know, a post modern film is anything made after 1994. Okay, all joking aside, let’s cut to the meat of it shall we? The central theme underlining the bold direction of Tarantino’s latest effort is simple and sublime; classical Westerns are racist. Tarantino has not just redefined the Western for a new generation of filmgoers, but also spawned the birth of an entirely new sub-genre: the Southern.

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Léolo (1992)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 17, 2011 by filmplanetasylum
Leolo title.

You have no idea what you're getting into.

Léolo is a stinking gutter fuck of a good time. The worst that Internet porn has to offer, packaged in a neatly wrapped art house bow tie that actually predates the Internet, but predicts the burlesque grotesque-ity like a fortune teller dropping a massive deuce. Filled with semen, feces, bestiality, incest, fetishism, masturbation and girly men. It’s all here, and slut bag director Jean-Claude Lauzon is absolutely DGAF about it all. This film is incoherently blasé about good taste, but maybe that is it’s charm. Who is the judge of good taste anyway? Well, like all great art, it stirred an emotional response from me. The same emotional response one would get when you are offered money to have sex with a house cat in heat.

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Alien Resurrection (1997)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 9, 2011 by filmplanetasylum
Alien Resurrection

Who do I have to fuck to get off this boat?

Alien Resurrection is a profound example of strained, nasally congested “good-enough”. They say the best movies always look as though they came together all by themselves. Effortless, and magical. Well, Alien Resurrection looks as though it was very carefully crafted from a set of logarithmic parameters, input into a Movie Calculator, and the results processed by an army of technicians, craftsmen, artists, a French director, and H.R. Giger‘s forgotten royalty checks. In short, it looks deliberate; full of effort, not magical. A formula. A formality. A filmmaking exercise in “good-enough”.

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Baby Face (1933)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , on January 11, 2011 by filmplanetasylum
Baby Face Screen

Theres some snazzy music playing in the background here!

Baby Face was a controversial film about a superbitch who ruins men’s lives with sex and discovers that she too, can be ruined by the sex of men. Or rather, the sex of jewelry, gems, and Benjamin’s. Barbara Stanwyck looks gorgeous in her role of Lily Powers, the poster child for 1930’s feminism, and future grandmother of Max Power. Real men dig feminists. I read it in a book once. After being raised to be a prostitute by her scumbag father in their family owned speakeasy during the Great Depression, Friedrich Nietzsche, in a surprise cameo appearance, tells her to go use and destroy the lives of filthy, dirty stupid men to get what she wants. A fun film for all ages that you can show to your 5 year old daughter!

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The Social Network (2010)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 13, 2010 by filmplanetasylum
The Social Network film poster

The next most popular image to photoshop.

The Social Network fills me with awe. It highlights some of the worst qualities of our generation and paints a pathetic portrait of just how morally bankrupt and disconnected we’ve all become, ironically enough because of how connected we’ve truly become. This film is a warning. It does not glamorize the assholes who made Facebook, but instead tells us to take a step back, to look at how socially isolated we’ve gotten and to take immediate action to reverse the problem. In effect, this movie tells you to delete Facebook, lest you become a supporter of the new fascist digital democracy.

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Alice In Wonderland (2010)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 9, 2010 by filmplanetasylum
Alice In Wonderland main title

Fade to crap.

What do you get when you cross dispassionate with uninterested? The same exact thing. Now, Alice In Wonderland, directed by freak bitch Tim Burton, is just that. No, it’s not the same film as other attempts at the source material, no, it is the same in the sense that they are all uninterested dreck. I suppose the Disney animated version comes closest to being something good, though I wouldn’t know because I haven’t seen it in probably a decade and a quarter and I don’t particularly care to visit it again. Alas, Tim Burton’s bore-porn succeeds in cementing the Alice series as the one franchise which utterly fails in every single attempt to adapt it for a visual medium. The books just do not make for good movies, and several other people who are smarter than me have already explained why, so I won’t go into that.

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Predator 2 (1990)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 4, 2010 by filmplanetasylum
Predator Two poster

Just watch a documentary about Lions instead.

Wow Predator 2. Just wow. Who convinced you to jump off the plank into the shallow end of the pool? Smacking your face against the concrete. Directed by Stephen Hopkins, (the same studio hack who made the intergalactic cheesecake Lost In Space), the sequel to the original 1987 sci-fi action classic can best be described as bullet porn. Sure, I suppose you could call the original that as well, but I think it fits more with this one, simply because, instead of focusing on a cool story with awesome effects and crazy alien monsters, the focus here is on the bullets, and their only purpose is to sexually arouse as many lunatic gun nuts as humanly possible while they mercilessly rip holes through the flesh of the living. Teg Nugent personally supplied all the guns and ammo for this production [citation needed].

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Cloverfield (2008)

Posted in Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 29, 2010 by filmplanetasylum
Cloverfield poster

America, Fuck yeah!

What the hell is up with Cloverfield? What kind of shlock is this? I’ll tell you what it is. It’s Godzilla‘s urinary tract infection that slithered it’s way out of the ocean, and it’s ravaging New York City. Is that a bad thing? Absolutely not. Call it a guilty pleasure if you will, or please don’t, because I don’t feel guilty, but I love Cloverfield. It’s exactly what I look for in a movie: exploding bitches, exploding public places, and film making techniques that make make people vomit . Why do people get motion sickness watching this? Same reason some people can’t go on the big scary roller coasters I suppose. Sucks to be them. But seriously, Cloverfield rocks my world, and it should rock your world too.

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