The 83rd Annual Academy Awards (2011)

the BORING

Roger Ebert has called this year’s annual Academy Awards ceremony “The worst Oscarcast I’ve seen”. And he’s absolutely right. This year’s Oscars were boring. Boring as a banana with no personality. You could also use those words to describe James Franco. Well, I’ll give him a little credit. He really likes doing things! Among the ruthlessly inadequate crimes committed this year, Christopher Nolan was snubbed for a Best Director nominee, first of all.

Second, Billy Crystal was on stage for only 5 minutes or something, yet he was still more entertaining than the entire 3 hours of Anne Hathaway and James Franco. Why were these two non-jokers chosen to be hosts? What were their qualifications? I think after reaching a milestone last year with electing Kathryn Bigelow with the honor of being the first Female Best Director, they wanted to do it AGAIN two years in a row by having one of the hosts also be a nominee for the first time. Yeah. That’s the logic of the Academy. Do things just because. First times are everything. JUST because.

The good news? Natalie Portman won best Actress. Inception won Best Cinematography, Best Visual Effects, and Best Sound. What’s the difference between Sound Mixing and Sound Editing? Well, mixing involves stirring the batter. And Editing involves putting sprinkles on it. That’s the basic gist of it. Learn it and love it. Otherwise, King’s Speech swabbed the decks. or Sweeped the trash. Or Bedazzled the Bejesus out of whatever kind of phrase you’d like to use to describe the act of winning the most important awards. Now, I’ve never seen King’s Speech, so I won’t pass too much judgment on it. Is it a good movie? Maybe so. Is it a painfully average good movie? That’s what it looks like… You know, the same kind of calculated, hyper dramatic drama picked from the same tree that grew The English Patient, or Shakespeare in Love, or Crash…

Which brings me to the best part of the show. Steven Spielberg. He was to announce the Best Picture winner, and he came out funnily enough to the Jurassic Park theme and gave a nice, subtle little troll to the academy, which basically amounted to saying that the greatest movies of all time almost never win best picture. It was essentially a reminder that these awards mean almost nothing and that only time will judge how great and amazing a film truly is. The golden statues will merely become a footnote in the details.

Other dumb things: Autotune. It’s awkwardly ironic that they are autotuning Justin Timberlake, but they’re also doing it to the most unfunny parody video of all time, furthering the intensity of the awkwardness. Want to know what the expression of my parent’s faces were when they sat on the couch and watched that bullshit? It was something like this: :| True story bro.

What else? Anne Hathaway tries to be funny and sings. Speaking of singing, the show ended with an army of little kids singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow. The “Wizard of Oz” song. I mean, I guess that will look good on their resumes when they turn 16 and enter the labor force, right? But, W.T.F.? Is this more of the attempt to make the Oscars more youthful, along with assigning Anne & James to stink up the joint with their youthful non-personalities? A lot of dumb decisions were made this year, and I’m not sure who to blame. Can anybody be blamed for this?

Yes. His name his George Lucas, he loves little kids, and he’s a dick. Do me a favor and go throw some tomatoes into his face.

Oh, and how about that Kirk Douglas? If only he hosted the whole thing. It would have been the most entertaining show of all time. MAYBE NEXT YEAR! KEEP ON TRUCKING KIRK!

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2 Responses to “The 83rd Annual Academy Awards (2011)”

  1. This seriously amused me.

    I did not, in fact, watch the Academy Awards. So I can’t say whether or not I agree with your review. I have yet to see Inception or Black Swan. So I have no judgement in those categories either. But I liked reading this. It made me want to watch the Academy Awards to see if this review was prudent or not.

    Maybe I’ll watch clips online.
    Maybe not.

    Either way, I liked the review. :D

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