Baby Face (1933)

Baby Face Screen

Theres some snazzy music playing in the background here!

Baby Face was a controversial film about a superbitch who ruins men’s lives with sex and discovers that she too, can be ruined by the sex of men. Or rather, the sex of jewelry, gems, and Benjamin’s. Barbara Stanwyck looks gorgeous in her role of Lily Powers, the poster child for 1930’s feminism, and future grandmother of Max Power. Real men dig feminists. I read it in a book once. After being raised to be a prostitute by her scumbag father in their family owned speakeasy during the Great Depression, Friedrich Nietzsche, in a surprise cameo appearance, tells her to go use and destroy the lives of filthy, dirty stupid men to get what she wants. A fun film for all ages that you can show to your 5 year old daughter!

After her son of a bitch father, played by Robert Barrat, is blown up in a boiler explosion, she is about to venture off on a stripper job, before Mr Nietzsche tells her to go use men to get what she wants. She finds a job at a huge multinational bank called Gotham Trust, and climbs the corporate ladder by fucking every man in power she comes across. Try and guess how she gets the job. Ready for the answer? She applied like a normal person and got an interview. No just kidding. She actually gave a southern boy a blowjob, but hey, that’s normal to some people right?

Baby Face Screenshot 2

What's wrong with your FAAACE?

The prerelease version is so much better than the theatrical release. In fact, stay away from the theatrical release at all costs. It is the product of people who are afraid to have erections because they think it’s the devil’s handy work. “Handy” work, if you know what I mean ;-)

Baby Face screenshot

Am I actually watching Eraserhead? Holy shit!

During the course of Lily’s reign of terror, wealthy men in prominent positions lose their jobs. One guy gets so depressed and emo that he wants to kill himself. That’s right! This is nothing new. Humanity has had emos for about 70 years before the LiveJournal generation. After hooking up with his boss, he confronts them, and kills himself and his boss in a fit of super emo nerd rage, very common nowadays but probably more shocking back then because we didn’t have the Internet to desensitize us to it.

So, she ruins the lives of men and eventually meets the president of the Gotham Trust. Eventually for some reason, he is indicted and he needs all the money he can get. So, he liquidates all his assests and asks for Lily to help him out and hand over her Christmas presents. She denies, because she’s a materialistic cunt of course. She runs away with her bling but then after staring into a record player has a trippy psychedelic moment of clarity and she decides that now she is in love with the man she just abandoned.

She runs back to discover he has killed himself. Well, at least he pretended to kill himself. There is no blood in this movie. I think everybody who died in this movie was faking it. So, being that he faked himself like a whiny british emo boy, they live happily ever after and Lily learns to love. It turns out, she’s not such a cunt after all! I love heartwarming happy endings. They make my loins quiver in anticipation. Anticipation for what you may ask? That’s for you to figure out.

Made in Pre-Code Hollywood, before everybody became uptight prudes with no taste, the first version of the film was censored and re-edited to suit the sensibilities of pre-atomic bombing conservative America. Shots of a girl’s legs were considered too graphic for viewers. All in all I enjoyed this. I was shocked at the ruthlessness of Lily’s Powers of seduction and it made me weary to the fact that now I am paranoid that all girls will try to do the same thing to me.

Babyface screenshot 3

This was porn in 1933.

I mean why not? She makes it look so easy. If I were a girl I’d probably do the exact same thing. Home wrecking, blowing, and wreaking havoc on the scale of Helen of Troy as she did the same thing to one too many Greek officials. Look what happened there? The same could happen again. All it takes is one Lily Powers, and she could destroy the world. The moral of the story here is that women who abuse their power leave a trail of death. This is what fuels the paranoia of mysogonists. They know exactly how powerful they are, so in their bumbling anxious idiocy, they repress women and tell them that they need to wear shoulder pads in order to be taken more seriously. The crime of the 1980s. Then, somebody else told us that Tony told us that this world was ours and the Bible told us that every girl was sour

I would recommend this to pornstars, feminists, Frankenstein girls, and goth girls who happen to like old ass movies. Yeah right. Actually, I would recommend this to anybody. People have to open their minds up already. Go see an old ass movie. Live a little. Who knows? You might actually enjoy it. Or in this case, you might actually masturbate to it.

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