Closely Watched Trains (1966)

 

closely watched trains title card

The sexiest train station you'll ever visit.

 

Closely Watched Trains was major OMGWTFLOL. In other words, sheer brilliance many orders of magnitude greater than the idiocy of my choice of net speak, but I digress. This is a film almost nobody has heard of, but any self respecting film buff owes it to their genitals to witness this sexually charged Word War 2 drama that speaks to the inner virgins of us all. Prepare to be aroused.

This is the first foreign film I have reviewed, and it’s a great one! Made in Czechoslovakia, and directed by Jiří Menzel, it’s a horny coming of age movie that mirrors the angst of virgins everywhere, and paints them in the heroic light they all desperately wished they were in. I know I’m one!

We now begin with foreplay. A young train conductor apprentice distanced from World War 2 yet surrounded by it, is a turbo virgin basket case, much like you would find infesting the the bowls of the Internet. There are approximately 64,000 users on GameFAQs. who fit the description. Zing! I love GameFAQs. Anyways, the boy’s father is a lazy shit talker who uses his pension to spend his days buying booze and making fun of all the workers who have to work.

 

closely watched trains virgin

The face of a Turbovirgin.

 

His grandfather is beaten to death, and his uncle believes he is a hypnotist with mind control powers and attempts to use his Jedi mind tricks to stop the German army from invading. The tanks stop for a second, and then run him over, chopping off his head. One of the funnier moments in the film, narrated by the boy. His ancestors were all lazy slackers, and so he wants to continue the tradition, being a train conductor, coasting through life while others toil. Sounds like a pretty awesome gig to me!

During his stint as an apprentice learning how to conduct trains, he meets an astonishingly attractive young lady conductor who passes by on trains from the other stations. She get’s his boner pulsating right away. She’s obviously wet at his sight as well, and soon enough, they have sneaked into her uncle’s photo studio to bang. It should be pointed out that the girl’s uncle is one horny creepy sex pervert himself.

During a photo shoot of some shapely ladies, he is constantly groping them and touching them, so much so that a little girl has to have her eyes shielded by her mother to protect her from the temptation. Unfortunately, the boy is too shy and inexperienced to make a move, and this irritates the girl to the point where she’s like “k, I’ll find a real man, peace out!”. Hah! Now that’s a situation I can relate to! We’re thrusting away pretty hard by now! The sex just keeps getting better and better.

 

Closely watched trains screenshot awkward

Still not getting the hint!

 

Later on, he slits his wrists because he failed to have sex with the super cute girl who got naked and smothered herself all over him. Hey, if I was ever that clueless, I’d probably slit my wrists too. Before he can die, a carpenter spots him through a hole in the wall and rushes him to the hospital. The doctor who patches him up informs the boy that he has premature ejaculation. Ouch!

Depression should then sink in. But the boy perseveres. He asks people if they know any older women he can bone so that they can teach him not to be impotent. During his adventures fruitlessly trying to get women to have sex with him, the girl who rejected him before comes back and tells him that she knows and that she understands. He’s gonna get laid after all! Hurray! I love happy endings. Wait, we’re in the middle of sex, and we’re almost reaching climax! I narrate my own sexual encounters in the same way. Eventually he gets his wish from the much cooler and sexually competent train dispatcher, who procures him some sexual training wheels. The boy finally gets laid and by the next day he feels like a real man. The time has come to show off his new talents to the girl.

 

closely watched trains screen shot sex

SCORE!

 

This sexual training lady also happens to be working with the sexually deviant train conductor in a scheme to blow up a German train! The kid get’s mixed up in this, and soon enough, he’s tasked with planting the bomb on the train as it passes by. On his way to bomb the train, he runs into his new lady friend, waiting for him to show her all the new tricks he picked up while becoming a man. He tells her he’ll be right back. Hanging out overhead from a platform, he drops the bomb onto a train car as it speeds by, but a German solider spots him from the train and offs him with a burst of automatic gunfire. The boy falls and lands on the passing train.

As the train moves away, unknown to the girl what has just happened, the bomb goes off in a giant explosion that reminds one of orgasmic rapture. Orgasm! This whole film is an experience parallel to that of sex: foreplay, escalation, Sex, Orgasm. One of the most satisfying films of all time, in more ways than one.. The sexual symbolism is everywhere. The large, hulking phallic trains clearly remind one of giant, hulking phallic dongs. Or is that just me? Maybe my mind is in the gutter. I refuse to believe that!

 

closely watched trains Train

Clearly this represents a big dick.

 

Not convinced? How about this: There is a shot of bunnies trying to fuck. Clearly the director had something very important to say.

This is a film that’s both sarcastic and tragic. It’s also the most non-violent World War 2 movie ever made. It’s set smack dab in the middle of the war, and the only signs of it that we see are German soldiers passing by on trains. Well, I think at one point the house of the girl and her uncle is bombed while the young boy is asleep in it, but I can’t tell whether or not it’s surreal or real.

Regardless, there’s not a whole lot of violence going on, and it does a good job of showing the side of war that is never talked about, because it is boring. It’s quite a sight to see such a calm and quiet environment amidst the chaos of war, and within that calm amidst chaos, there is sex, sex, and more sex. The message is clear: Sex is better than War, and I think that’s something every horny virgin in the world can agree to.

I recommend this to any foreign film fan weirdos who like to “read” their films instead of watch them. Also, all virgins the world over should see this. It will inspire you to get laid and bomb your own Nazi train!

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