Harold and Maude (1971)

 

Harold and Maude cover art

Pornstars dig it.

 

Harold and Maude is one of the greatest films ever made on the subject of sex with corpses. This 70’s comedy, directed by Hal Ashby, is a delightful, annoying, and disturbing romp through the backstreets of death metal lyrical sensibilities.

Our main character, Harold Chasen, played by the ugly motherfucker Bud Cort, is obsessed with death. He frequently commits suicide in front of his rich mother in a variety of comical ways. How he continually rises from the dead is something I haven’t figured out, but I’m going to go with the hypothesis that he is Harry Houdini’s reincarnated penis.

At many points in the movie he tries to play “dead” to get her attention, but she’s wise to his act and never falls for it. The beginning of the film has him hanging himself. But it’s only pretend. Somehow. He’s been doing this for some time now. Clearly he has deep psychological issues, as is revealed later in the film when he cries about how his mother pretended to faint after being told by police that he was dead after a chemical explosion at his boarding school. He decided that he liked “being dead”. Yeah, you say that now when you’re alive, what do all those dead people think about being dead? Oh, probably nothing at all. Because they’re DEAD. What an asshole.

 

Harold and Maude screenshot hanging

You're a failure.

 

His rich mother wants him to play the dating game. She sets him up with various semi-attractive British women in the hopes that he will marry them and produce offspring. He thwarts her efforts by pretending to set himself on fire and committing Seppuku. One of the girls, an actress, is enchanted by the Seppuku, and goes into her own Romeo & Juliet reenactment by also offering herself with the fake sword. Wait, why isn’t Harold into this chick? She clearly dug him, despite the fake death. Oh well, he’s got corpses to fuck.

All joking aside, his obsession with death and dying eventually leads him to the graveyard (surprise!), where he meets the sweet
little old lady who’s been around the block, Maude, played by the “might have been hot when she was young” Ruth Gordon. Naturally, Harold is attracted to her and soon enough they’re doing the nasty in her abandoned train car, much to the disgust of his fellow human beings. Hey, I’m not one to judge. It makes perfect sense. He likes death, and she is already dead. No fuss from me! There is much joy and revelation to be had in this experience.

Maude, a survivor of the holocaust, is a free spirited, reckless law breaking Jew who has a lot to teach the young Harold about life and love. Throughout the film they steal automobiles, break traffic laws, evade arrest from the police, sing and dance and play guitar, smoke hookah, and have rough, un-lubricated geriatric intercourse. Eventually, Harold announces that they will marry, but before they can tie the knot, Maude’s 80th birthday comes along and Harold decides to throw a surprise birthday party for her.

 

Harold and Maude screenshot hookah

Getting high on life.

 

Unfortunately, grandmother Maude has gotten wet feet and decided to bail on the whole marriage idea, so she deliberately pops one too many sleeping pills to the point of lethal overdose. She has decided that 80 is a good age to die, and so she will go.
Harold is understandably distressed at this turn of events and rushes her to the hospital. The doctors do everything that they can but it is too late, Maude has entered the big sleep.

Harold has learned a big lesson from this whole ordeal. That he should not have sex with corpses, and that he should continue to fake his own death for no good reason. In the ending sequence, he drives his nice car off of a cliff into the jagged rocks below. No big deal though! He wasn’t actually in the car, somehow, and we see him walk along the edge of the cliff, strumming away his guitar to the tune of Cat Stevens, who happened to score the whole movie.

So what can we learn from all this? Well, for one, 80 is a good age to die, and you should never fall in love with a corpse. Also, faking your own death accomplishes absolutely nothing, and just makes you look like a big, emo attention whore with enough baggage to fill a 747. Roger Ebert didn’t like this movie. You know why? Who cares, he also didn’t like Star Trek, and for that he can go suck a big, fat, salty limestone rock. Suck on this, Ebert!

I recommend this film to anybody looking for an important life lesson on the difficulties of initiating socially acceptable necrophilia. Also, porn stars dig this movie. If you are a porn star, you will probably love Harold and Maude. It’s a fun treat for the whole family!

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One Response to “Harold and Maude (1971)”

  1. […] I think everybody who died in this movie was faking it. So, being that he faked himself like a whiny british emo boy, they live happily ever after and Lily learns to love. It turns out, she’s not such a cunt after […]

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