Jurassic Park 3 (2001)

 

Jurassic Park 3 logo

Pathetic.

 

Jurassic Park 3 is like if the word boring were a dinosaur. An anti-clever piece of wasted film stock un-carefully crafted to rip off all of the material from the previous two movies and stuck together with duct tape. An example of a thing it ripped off: little kids. I hate little kids in movies. Little kids who routinely survive dangerous and deadly environments that easily kill grown men with years of experience and training. This happened in the first Jurassic Park. I liked it much better when it was done first in a much better movie.

Where did it all go wrong? Well, Steven Spielberg got bored after The Lost World, and clearly his boredom started somewhere during the making of that, as evidence by how stinking horrible that piece of marketing turned out. So, due to Spielberg’s boredom, he gave up on his pet dinosaur project and gave the rights to whoever was passing by that day. That man happened to be visual effects man turned run of the mill director Joe Johnston, director of enjoyable, inoffensive family friendly entertainment such as Honey, I Shrunk The Kids, The Rocketeer, and Jumanji.

Should we blame him for the crap that is JP3? Maybe. It’s possible that nobody could have saved it. I think everybody got bored with dinosaurs by that point. The original Jurassic Park started an explosion of Dino mania. The horrible Flinstones movie kept it going. The Lost World fanned the flames as much as it could given how critically bankrupt that was. Then that god awful Godzilla remake left a bad taste in everybody’s mouth. By the time JP3 rolled around, nobody cared. Special Effects had caught up. Realistic dinosaurs were no longer interesting. Anybody could do that. Discovery channel had Walking with Dinosaurs. It was old news, and so was this franchise.

The plot goes like this: Alan Grant, the scientist from the first movie, is forced to go back into the dinosaur island when some idiot dad played by William H Macy lost his son there when he was paragliding near the should-be-but-for-some-reason-isn’t-quarantined monster island. The shores are also filled with many jagged rocks of course, making this not an ideal place to go boat riding, much less paragliding.

Case in point: the dumb kid deserves his fate.

William H Macy’s character basically tricks Alan Grant into thinking he’s only going to provide a tour of the island. In true douchebaggery, they knock him out cold when he vehemently rejects the idea of landing their small plane on the island filled with monsters. But it’s OKAY though, because the ends justify the means. He wants to find his lost son. Assuming of course that he hasn’t already been eaten by hungry raptors. This is a very stupid assumption to make, but thankfully due to the convenience of Hollywood happy ending magic, this assumption makes the whole adventure and simultaneous kidnapping of a scientist totally justifiable!

They land on the Island and immediately a big terrible lizard kills somebody and they accidently destroy their plane running into a dinosaur. So cue about an hour and a half-ish of watching nameless supporting actors get eaten by pissed off dinosaurs while they run away from them.

Rinse and repeat.

Apparently some studio stiff thought that people were bored of
T-Rex by now, so in a dim witted attempt to one-up the previous
films, they invent Spinosaurus. A much bigger, louder, and
scarier version of the T-Rex. In true stupidity, they make the Spine-Asshole-O-Saurus kill the T-rex. What? Why the fuck would they kill the T-Rex? Nobody was bored of the T-Rex, and nobody wanted to see him die at the hands of some other asshole dinosaur. He was the original dinosaur badass. He was basically untouchable.

In the first movie he had character. He basically saved the day at the end of the first movie. He probably didn’t know what he was doing, but his presence as a savior there gave him some heart. Then for no reason at all they decide to kill him off. Because Spine-O-Asshole is much bigger and badass. Says who? Who is this Spine-O-Asshole and why should we care? Why is he better than T-Rex? Go eat some humans infected with plague, Spiney.

The acting is pretty standard for Hollywood action shlock, but one character in particular stands out for being lazy, and that is the dad played by William H Macy, who did fabulous work in the awesome American classic, Fargo.

William H Macy has the passion of a deadbolt lock. If that
deadbolt lock were coated in vanilla and not installed in the door,
but instead sitting on the counter next to it’s screws. His
delivery is so flat that it sounds like he’s reading the script
aloud for the first time. That doesn’t sound too far fetched.
When he’s reunited with his son he appears about as excited
and relieved as one would be when they found out the
pregnancy test came out negative.

 

William H Macy in Jurassic Park 3

The heck do ya mean?

 

Random Thought: It’s so convenient that there’s buildings lying around to shelter everybody from the angry flesh eating monsters. It’s only a very short walking distance through the thick jungle until our human heroes find man made protection. Imagine if they were in the African savanna running from Lions instead? Not only would that be more realistic, it would be more interesting because there are no conveniently placed bunkers to shelter them from scary things.

One of the dumbest moments in the film comes when these idiots start digging through one big pile of shit. Literally, they stole the big pile of shit from the first movie, the one that Jeff Golblum made internationally famous. That’s how low this movie is reaching. I will not spoil why they are digging through shit (hint: they’re looking for treasure), but I’ll let you know how awkward and random it is. As they are digging through dino feces, a big T-rex looking carnivore sticks his head through the bushes and catches the attention of our treasure hunters.

The dinosaur basically looks at them, and is like “Oh hey. You
guys digging through poop? Cool. Well, I’m going this way now.
Later dudes” and just walks away. Our protagonists look about
as embarrassed as you’d expect someone to be when they are
caught by an off duty police officer frantically digging through large mounds of excrement.

At one point Alan Grant calls his babe (the treasure was a satellite phone that the spinosaurus ate) from the first film,
Helen or whatever, the blond chick, and tries to tell her that
dinosaurs are trying to chew on him and that she should
really send some help, because it’s like, you know, getting really
rough out there. Then this little kid, presumably Helen’s kid, roars like a dinosaur and makes a suitably terrifying dinosaur face while mommy is hearing this terrible news over the phone. Well, that was tasteless.

She should have slapped the boogers out of that child. This is like a little kid taking his toy airplanes and smashing them into his lego buildings right after mommy gets a call from dad that an airliner just flew into his office building.

ANYWAYS…

The whole movie is basically just a continuous moving from one dangerous situation to the next, everybody coming out alive and well. Except for one brave sacrifice to save the rest of the team. Okay, I’ll give them that. That was a nice change of pace and it gave that no-name actor some depth that everybody else lacked.

But anyway, more dangerous situations!

This is feeling quite routine by now. Wait, William H. Macy is playing the hero this time! Spinosuarus is trying to poop on them and he climbs a rig and does a thing and then everything is on fire and presumably the monster is dead and everything is alright. It sounds so easy! At the end, the United States armed forces declares war on all dinosaurs.

Now that would make for an epic fucking Jurassic Park movie!

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