Jack (1996)

 

Robin Williams as Jack

What a creeper.

 

Jack: Ass. No, not Jackass. I am implying that the movie, Jack, starring Robin Williams, is ass. Where shall I begin? Wait, I’ve already begun. Everybody in this movie is an asshole. Mrs. Doubtfire plays the role of a literal man child, a 10 year old kid with a genetic dysfunction that causes him to have super rapid cell growth, and thus, although he is 10 years old on the inside, on the outside he bares the body of a hairy 40 year old man. In effect, Robin Williams is playing himself.

Francis Ford Coppola went from directing The Godfather and Apocalypse Now to this vile creature. What happened Francis? Did the Don give you an offer you couldn’t refuse? Was a horse head left in your bed in order for you to take up this project? Well, at least your daughter directed Lost in Translation. I suppose that makes up for it.

Robin Williams doesn’t even act like a 10 year old, he just comes off as a crazy person. The parents are just dropping off their schizophrenic, retarded brother off at school, hoping the proper authorities pick him up eventually. The proper authority here just so happens to be a hot grade school teacher played by young Jennifer Lopez! Now how about that. My teachers never looked like that. I guess in some alternate universe somewhere, Jennifer Lopez could be a 5th grade teacher. That’s also the same universe where I am captain of the Starship Enterprise.

So begins the painfully awkward moving portrait of a 40 year old man struggling to make it through elementary school. Not a lot happens, trust me. At one point in the movie, a kid convinces him to pretend to be the principal, and talk to his mother. The kid’s mother arrives and starts hitting on him. The other kid is basically like, oh great, my mom is being a slut again. Hilarious! Robin Williams looks creepy as fuck hanging out with the little kids in the playground. He seriously looks like a child molester.

 

Chris Hansen from Date Line

Hi, I'm Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC, we're doing a story about adults who try to meet children on the Internet.

 

Eventually that slutty mom I mentioned drags Jackass to some bar and gets into a brawl. His parents make bail and pick him up in jail. When Jack goes to retrieve his belongings, he looks at the cop and asks for his pogs back. The cop reluctantly pulls them out of his pocket and hands them back. What the fuck?!
Why wasn’t he like, sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about sir.

Instead, he hands them over, like, alright dude, you caught me. This cop is two things: not crooked, and filled with issues. When’s the last time you met a police officer who was into pogs? What would a cop want with pogs? For his kids maybe? Certainly he can afford to buy them himself. Wait, I know the real reason this cop stole Jack’s pogs: Because he had Alf Pogs.

Jack makes friends at some point and they do disgusting things that I’ve never seen any real kids do. Like eat mayo mixed with earth worms mixed with ketchup mixed with draino. Okay, the draino is just a wish I had. Then he has a heart attack and shuts himself in and gets high all day. But that’s alright because he comes back to school really fucking excited that he’s gonna be around his prey all day. “Fuck yes kids!” is what goes through the bigfoot’s mind.

Finally, it’s 7 years later, and Jack graduates as an old man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and bright ass sketchers. What a way to
go out! In the end credits, a picture of a baby is shown, and the caption reads: Jack: Robin Williams. THAT IS NOT ROBIN WILLIAMS. THAT IS SOME RANDOM BABY THAT THEY DIDNT BOTHER CREDITING. Robin Williams took all the credit for that baby. This movie should be euthanized.

Oh yeah, Bill Cosby is in this movie. Weird, huh?

One Response to “Jack (1996)”

  1. The movie is great! And also ROBIN WILLIAMS! It shows again, how creative Robin was! And he done it perfectly! ROBIN WILLIAMS WAS THE BEST THERE IS, EAS AND EVER WILL BE-ACTOR IN THIS PAINFUL HURTING WORLD! HE MAKE US LAUGHING AND CRYING! HE SHOWS THE FEELINGS AND LET US FEEL THE SAME FEELING TOGETHER! He took us with him on a travel! He gave us so many good things, and every person, who never laugh or understand a moment with and from Robin Williams, has never really lived! Robin shows us in many movies to be a human, and don’t to forget it and also he shows don’t be shy to show your feelings! And sometimes it is good to be a child or to be funny in the fact, that your are an adult! JACK was one of the many movies, who send a very important messages by all the comedy! FOR ME ROBIN WILLIAMS WAS AN ICON, AN IDOL, A LEGEND! I learned su much things from him about life, acting, fun, comedy, and to be a real human! I am an active WRESTLER and also an acting star, just a little in germany and austria, but he will be always my biggest hero in this business! Normally, I must say, that he had to get more OSCARS! His Roles in ONE HOUR PHOTO, THE NIGHT LISTENER, GARP, PATCH ADAMS, MRS DOUBTFIRE, DEATH POEMS, 200 YEARS MAN, JUMANJI, JACKOB THE LIAR, THE FINAL CUT, and also in JACK or many other productions with him! He was a PERFECTION and I think, that WE, THE PEOPLE, THE FANS, THE HUMEN ON THIS DAMM COLD PLANET HAVE FORGOTTEN, WHAT DOES IT MEAN AND HOW TO BE A HUMAN AND TO HAVE FEELINGS AND SHOW THEM! WE HAVE FORGOTTEN TO LIVE AND ROBIN WILLIAMS ALWAYS REMEMBER US TO DO IT! I WILL MISS HIM! I LOVED THIS GUY! THANK YOU AND REST IN PEACE!!!

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